During the endless night, crisp cold surrounds me. I have no shelter – no source of warmth and I am stranded in an unfamiliar, timeless zone. How many days have gone by – I have no clue, yet I continue to pass time in this strange land.

In the silence of the night I hear a little buzz. I’m surprised to hear something move in a land where life has long ceased to exist. It is the land of the dead – I shiver at the thought.

It moves again. This time I’m quick enough to catch a glimpse of something twinkle – like a fallen star that had made its way to earth. But it is swift in movement and so I lose its sight again.

What can it be? Another buzz. A firefly… it’s a firefly! I had heard stories about them as a child – in the comfort of my home. Fireflies always symbolized a guiding light – though little, but enough to help a person reach their destination in the darkest of the nights.

For a moment I become nostalgic.

I lie down on the cold mud and wave my hand gently: Well, little firefly, I am lost beyond hope so don’t even bother wasting your time with me. And as though expecting it to understand, I wait for it to go away.

But it doesn’t.

Instead it decides to hover over my head. But I am not irritated by this. Being as lonely as I have come to be, it feels nice to have some company. Plus fireflies are beautiful, more beautiful than I had ever imagined. For moments of eternity I stare at the little beam of light swirling round and round; forming perfect circles.

Suddenly it stops and rushes towards me. I shut my eyes fearing it might smack into my face at any moment. But when it seems to have taken longer, I slowly lift one of my eyes open.

There is no trace of the firefly.

I can feel my heart sink. I miss the tiny creature already and the warmth that it radiated – so full of life that it had almost made me hopeful… almost.

I sigh and sit up wondering about my life; of how I had ended up here chasing after my superficial dreams. Along the way I came across many signs that misguided me. Though I could not really blame them. For had it not been for my selfish pursuits, I would not have ended up here – alone and cold.

I curl up in a fetal position. The wind is beginning to pick up. Perhaps it is the cold wind gushing towards me – or the storm in my heart – that is causing tears to form in my eyes. One of them gently slides off my nose and disappears into the thirsty earth.

Ah! Such a short life!

I used to think it would last forever, but now it just seems to be slipping out of my hands. I have lost all sense of direction – all paths that could lead me back. I had searched frantically trying to find a glimpse of life – a road, any sign of direction. But with every step it felt like I was grabbing onto thin air; as though it didn’t matter what direction I took, it led me deeper and deeper into the maze where I stood stranded. Each time I felt more lost, more trapped, more hopeless than before.

***

I woke up holding a grudge against the morning sun – though it could hardly be called that. Since it was 1 o’clock in the afternoon. I could hear the zuhr adhaan from a far off masjid. Ah, it must be Friday. And so it was. I lazily got up – but not to pray. That had not been on my to-do list for quite some time.

I just didn’t feel like being alone. Lately I had been feeling an emptiness in my life. Often I have had to shut my thoughts off completely either by zoning out or preoccupying myself with something else, such as socializing.

I had many friends. It was always fun hanging out with them. Together our laughs echoed through the corridors. But between the cracks of the hollow laughter I could hear the cries of a guilt-ridden heart.

I could not understand why happiness had forsaken me. No matter what I did, where I went, I never felt satisfied. This emptiness only seemed to grow on me.

I did feel pleasure in the company of people. But it was never long lasting. I couldn’t help but feel that there was something absent in my life – like it was right there in front of me but somehow I just kept missing it.

***

Suddenly a fresh wave of faith sweeps over me and so I open my eyes. Again, I have no idea how much time has passed… or how much of me time has passed away. But it isn’t to ponder over my state that I have jumped to my toes; I’m going to look for that firefly. I am not going to give up this time.

***

I don’t know what triggered the action, but I felt myself crying uncontrollably. Not just crying, but crying out – calling frantically to Allah Subhaana wa taa’ala. Asking for help, for guidance, for forgiveness… for anything.

***

And I find that firefly moving towards a direction – guiding me – just like I had read in the stories. But it isn’t leading me towards the comfort of my home or my friends, or the joys of childhood which I so dearly missed.

Instead it is indicating towards the Qibla – the direction to the house of Allah. At this moment I witness the endless night perish, as the sun rises from behind the shadows; its rays illuminating the surroundings and its warmth seeping into my cold, dead heart.

Everything is clear now. All this time when I had been frantically searching for ‘a place’ to go to – I realize now that I had never needed to go anywhere. I just needed a direction – I needed the direction.

 ***

And so I find myself making wudhu once again. I find myself led back to the call of prayer, hearing which earlier I had felt something amiss. I find myself led back to the prayer rug, avoiding which I had felt a hollow void in my life.

And so I find myself led back to Allah… my Allah… bowing my head in humble submission as I fall into sajdah. Without Him life feels nothing but a maze on a dark, cold, endless night.

***